Journal
- A MOMENT TO BREATHE: Nov 2nd. Journal Entry. Day 63.
It’s Monday morning in Nashville. Nov. 2nd. I’m Sitting in the warehouse. Coffee. Candles. Taking a moment to breathe. The sun is here too….feels good.
It’s been some quiet days, and quiet nights. Been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve learned a few things. October has been gentle, amidst the madness.
Things change….that’s just how it is…..and how you deal with change…is called living…YOUR LIFE.
I’ve learned that the Brass Ring isn’t really made out of Brass….it’s made out of whatever you want it to be.
I’ve learned that I’d rather be a sinner who’s searching, than a Christian who lies.
I’ve learned that God still loves me, regardless.
I’ve learned…that I’ve got a lot to learn.
I’m about as lost as I’ve ever been….and still at peace.
Not sure what path is ahead. Resting in the waiting.
Embracing 1st gear. Hello November.*
10 months Ago - DAY 33. BACK IN NASHVILLE. 40DAYRISK.COM
DAY 33. BACK IN NASHVILLE. 40DAYRISK.COM
Sick….it really sucks.
Sleeping all day. Went out and got some Chinese food.
Back to bed.
It dawned on me last night….it’s still not over.
I’m gonna sleep this off and go back out.
But not tomorrow. My ass is kicked.
11 months Ago - DAY 32. HEADING BACK TO NASHVILLE. 40DAYRISK.COM
DAY 32. HEADING BACK TO NASHVILLE. 40DAYRISK.COM
Well….I’m sick.
I have an 8 hour drive to get to Oklahoma City….12 hours to Dallas.
Aint gonna’ happen.
I have pushed my body as far as I can….and now its time to rest.
Heading back to Nashville in a few hours. I have peace. It’s all good.
Yup…it became the 32 Day Risk….and that’s okay with me.
Some will call me a failure….and that’s also okay with me…for I know my heart.
I will be of no use to anyone, if I use what energy I have left to show up, and not sing.
I have learned more than I expected to. I am grateful….beyond words.
The 40day Risk has taught me this….Faith is real…..we can question everything possible in this universe….but there is no longer a need for me to question whether or not Faith is real.
It’s time for Coffee. A long Drive. And to sleep off whatever I have.
For those of you who walked along my side and made this journey a possibility….Thank you….from the bottom of my heart! I Wouldn’t of made it this far without you.
For those of you who Gave financially to get me this far….Thank you. I also wouldn’t ofgotten this far without you.
I’ll write again when I get more energy. Being Sick Sucks.
Blessings……
11 months Ago - DAY 31. SPRINGFIELD. 40DAYRISK.COM
DAY 31. SPRINGFIELD. 40DAYRISK.COM
Supposed to be in Springfield right now, but I’m still in St. Louis….laying in a hotel bed.
My body is sick. I ache everywhere. I have pushed myself as hard as I possibly ever have.
Money is low…and that doesn’t worry me. The exhaustion worries me more.
I’ve never worried about pushing my body to its limits. It’s what I do. The downside…I have no more steam.
Gonna’ sleep as long as I can and make a decision in the morning. I cant sing…let alone make decisions. It’s another moment of faith.
No idea what will happen when I get back to Nashville, whether its tomorrow, or next week. One step at a time…and day at a time…..ONE HOUR AT A TIME.
It’s now 6 pm…..I haven’t gone to bed this early since I was 2 years old. But then again….Ive been in bed all day.
Also dealing with frustration from so many industry opinions…..the very people who love to continue operating a broken machine….somehow feel the need to comment on whats going on out here. I have a hard time loving those folks…but that’s what its all about…..loving those who are hard to love…..kinda’ like God loves me…when I give him no reason.
11 months Ago - DAY 30. ST. LOUIS. 40DAYRISK.COM
DAY 30. ST. LOUIS. 40DAYRISK.COM
No show tonight.
Drove 5 hours…feel like I’ve run a marathon.
Just checked in to a hotel. SICK.
Must sleep.
11 months Ago - DAY 29. BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA. 40DAYRISK.COM
DAY 29. BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA. 40DAYRISK.COM
A long drive today. Nearly 6 hours when towing a trailer.
Had a great Italian lunch before leaving Chicago. Last night with Kyle Wyley, and my buddy Michael, from Nashville. They’re heading home in the morning. (thanks for the love)
Played a small little bar in Bloomington tonight. It has dawned on me that I’m sick….well…I already knew that ?….but now my body is sick.
It’s late….must try and sleep off whatever I have and head to St. Louis.
Becoming numb.
11 months Ago - DAY 28. CHICAGO. 40DAYRISK.COM
DAY 28. CHICAGO. 40DAYRISK.COM
This was a LONG day…but well worth it.
Left Kalamazoo at 9. Got to Chicago at noon. Went to a radio station. Did a short interview and jumped back in the van. Naaa….it wasn’t an interview….it was a quick time filler. BUT….they let me sing a couple songs, which was very kind of them.
Drove up to a town north of Chicago called Schaumburg. Checked in to a hotel…a nice hotel….compliments of a Nashville buddy. We stopped for Chinese food before the show at YU’s restaurant…..2 words….Holy Shit….you haven’t had better Chinese. Go eat at this place.
Got to the club / THE JOYNT around 8, and set up. Our friend Amy, back in Nashville, set this one up…..and she did an amazing job on this one. Thanks Amy!
This was an amazing night. This club is one of the coolest places. They have 4 clubs in one building. It blew my mind. They took an old building and made something amazing out of it…..nothing huge…..but everything perfect. An amazing staff….great service….and good vibe. No Million dollar PA system….no million dollar lights….they just figured it out….and it works. And…I heard music that blew my mind…..they have a house band on Monday nights……that will change your life! Trust me….go to the JOYNT on a Monday night in Chicago…..and have your mind blown!
My old friends, The Barlows, came and hung out. I love them like little sisters….they’re simply the best! They’ve possibly been one of the best examples of a friend that I have ever had. Were completely different….yet…they’ve never judged me…..even when we disagree…..thats a friend.
Got to chat with a gal named Jen, who works with the club doing weekly video blogs…..she interviewed Kyle and I. It was good to meet someone with so much passion for life and people and music……check her out at youtube.com/jenknoedl.
Here’s where the night took a twist. I was standing out front talking to the doorman/bouncer. He was telling me his story, and how he had spent many years on the road as a musician. We began discussing faith, and how it has played out in our lives. While were talking, a fella comes out of the bar and walks up to me and says…”hey man…..whats your story”?….so I tell the gentlemen about the 40dayrisk. He says….wait here…..he came back 10 minutes later with 400 bucks cash, and handed me his card. Then he says….”I work for Hyatt hotels….email me tomorrow….i’ll try and help you with rooms where we have hotels in your remaining cities on the 40dayrisk”……I’M NOT BULSHITTING YOU……This really happened……in front of Harry, the doorman……Harry looked at me….I looked at Harry….and we were speechless. After a few minutes and a few marlboro’s…..the reality set in….and Harry looked at me and said….”God is bigger than you and I….Let’s never forget that”. That’s not the kind of thing you hear from most bouncers in Chicago…..HOLY SHIT….what a night. It’s late…I have to sleep.
Did I just say holy shit, 3 times….in the same blog? Lame…but too tired to retype.
I walk and I sleep in the 11th hour.
11 months Ago - DAY 27. KALAMAZOO, MI. 40DAYRISK.COM
DAY 27. KALAMAZOO, MI. 40DAYRISK.COM
It’s 1:30 am. That nap is keeping me up…but I needed it. Played at possibly one of the coolest places I’ve ever been. THE STRUTT, in Kalamazoo. I’ve yet to see anyone catch vibe factor beyond The Strutt. They have 2 rooms, 2 stages, Coffee bar, Liquor Bar…and somehow never lost the intimacy…..and Art work that will grab your eyes. Place Rocks!
This got set up kinda’ like dominoes. A guy from Albany called a guy in Kalamazoo, who called another guy….and you get the idea…..Faith….once again…..did it’s thing.
I’m past the point of bullshit ideas on how this is still going. No matter what lense that I look through, you still can’t break it down to one single thing…or one single moment…or one single opinion.
A man can only plow his fields….he can’t make rain….so ya mine as well work your ass off on those fields and get em’ ready for rain…..One never knows how the wind will lead that rain to fall…or at what speed.
We sang for 10 people tonight…..and it had such a gentle spirit. Sat with the folks that lined it up….and they were beautiful people.
I’m learning something….& I hate to re-write last nights Journal entry…..but Faith doesn’t have a color…It doesn’t ever have the same way of maneuvering…It’s kinda’ like a snowflake….none of em’ ever come down the same…..but their still snowflakes. I’m gonna’ sit in this snow for awhile….and it’s okay….one day at a time….this is where I’m at for today.
A buddy of mine, back in Nashville, picked up the tab for the hotel tonight.
It’s no longer about coincidence….for Faith and coincidence have never been friends. It’s about allowing God to do, what God does….the hard part…is staying out of my own way. A beautiful, yet brash, reality…..yet a deeper meaning to trust….where faith comes back around….and I can still, only look at one day at a time.
Oh yeah…got a call from a gal named Heather, In Houston…set up a gig at a pub…and we have one for Saturday……no idea how were gonna’ make it that far….but it’s gonna’ be interesting.
Read a good verse tonight. Psalm23:1
Time for sleep. To Chicago in the morning.
11 months Ago - DAY 26. DETROIT. 40DAYRISK
DAY 26. DETROIT. 40DAYRISK
And just when it doesn’t make sense….and just when only a few of the pieces are there…it all starts to make a little sense…..but then again…what is sense?
I’ve began to understand Faith in another way….in comparison to to touch and smell…if not moreso…instinct.
I got a call today that there was no more backing from the label. I was encouraged to come back. But it wasn’t time…at least not today.
For now…I’m here…walking one step at a time.
When I realized there’s no more funding….I remembered back to not 3 weeks ago, the same thing happened…and it all worked out. Somehow…I was sad today…but not completely freaked out.
I’ve learned that Faith doesn’t have a certain way of operating…..for today…I was given what I was needed.
A friend from Nashville came in today, and he surprised me with my my other buddy, Kyle Wyley.
Kyle and I played some songs at a bar outside Detroit called The Paycheck.
Today still hasn’t settled in. Rent is due in a week. Label sent the dear john letter…and my buddies from Nashville show up. That’s a day.
Somehow, its all gonna’ be okay….not sayin’ easy…but okay.
I ate chicken fried steak at 1 am….cuz’ I aint worryin’….
God, do your thing.
11 months Ago - DAY 25. ALLIANCE. 40DAYRISK.COM
DAY 25. ALLIANCE. 40DAYRISK.COM
Alliance, Ohio. What a town.
Not much goin’ on here…at all.
Got the oil changed today, and washed the van & trailer.
Got a nap….man, I love naps.
Headed over to an old bar room around 4:00. And when I say old…I mean, from the 1800’s.
This gig got set up by a buddy down in Nashville, Jimi Roxx. This is his hometown, and his buddy, Dave, owns this bar.
They don’t have a liquor license yet…so it was BYOB tonight.
A room full of friends, who gathered together for a night out. Really kind & beautiful people. The town is depressed, but the people are cool. The buildings are falling down, but the people keep going.
Also, a few students from the CMC showed up….random….and they even helped me load the gear at the end of the night.
Of all the places I’ve been….one thing made tonight special. I saw a room full of people who know what it means to work their ass off to stay alive. This is blue collar America…where you have to get out of bed and do something for yourself. There weren’t any silver spoons layin’ around in this bar…..this was the real deal.
I’m honored that they let me come….and I hope to come back some day.
A town that’s not afraid to talk about their broken hearts…a town that’s not afraid to be who they are….a town that’s not afraid to keep trying. Thanks Alliance. Thanks Jimi!
Off to search for the whisper…but I’m guessing it will find me first….unless I’m not listening. Sleep…..
11 months Ago